Fernando Torres’s recent slew of low-budget ad spots for Spanish TV may have their critics, but in my opinion, this is unequivocally the greatest football-themed dog-obedience-school ad of the last five years. Calling this “bad” (Futbolita) or “cheap and dreadful” (The Beautiful Game) just because it has people whistling a fife tune instead of actual fifes on the soundtrack is like calling From Elvis in Memphis “bad” because the rhinestones weren’t real diamonds. Let’s take it frame by frame.
0:00 — A martial drumroll calls us to attention. Have you ever seen a more alert pug in your life?
0:01 — YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A MORE ALERT PUG IN YOUR LIFE.
0:02 — Alert and…thirsty?
0:04 — The first piece of low-fi magic (of many) in the ad. The pug had looked enormous, unstoppable, larger than life. But now, the camera cuts back to reveal a pug-dwarfing Fernando Torres as he gently helps the little guy sit down. Fernando Torres initially appears to be over a hundred feet tall.
0:06 — Nando introduces himself, then introduces his “amigo” (Nacho?), who’s wearing an entire suite of licensed dog-obedience-school apparel. Kudos to him for mining the alternative revenue stream. Rick Parry would be proud.
0:07 — He’s also wearing a couple of Weimaraners.
0:11 — We see the obedience-school logo for the first time, which tells us that it’s owned and operated by a German Shepherd named Narub.
0:13 — Nacho, Nando, and a St. Bernard are out for a walk on what looks like a beautiful spring day at the paramilitary training complex.
0:14 — The St. Bernard attempts to eat Nacho’s hand. Otherwise, it must be said, it’s very well-behaved.
0:16 — A series of quick closeups showing dogs at the ready. Note the impressive training equipment. The little Pekingese is actually standing next to a tea table.
0:17 — Nando allows his face to be licked by an enthusiastic bulldog. Thankfully we don’t see this in slow motion.
0:20 — The Narub logo again, for anyone who doesn’t remember seeing it nine seconds ago.
0:22 — Is it raining? Fernando Torres, now only sixty feet tall, is standing under a fifty-foot umbrella, holding the leashes of several thousand lapdogs who are each exactly one inch high.
0:23 — He has never looked more like a character in a picture book than he does at this moment. Magical.
0:24 — Unannounced closeup! Nando knows how to whistle with his fingers. Kind of.
0:25 — This school can train Great Danes to look out the window!
0:26 — And Rottweiler puppies to jump through hoops!
0:26 — Although one wonders if the hoops really need to be on fire.
0:29 — It’s Steven Gerrard, the German Shepherd! I remember him. Just don’t let him near any DJs, ha ha ha.
0:35 — Nacho gives the thumbs up. I really thought he’d play a bigger role in this commercial.
0:36 — Surrounded by dogs—and, apparently, an eighteenth-century plough of some kind—Torres and Nacho pose in front of the obedience school’s slogan, which is (I’m freelancing a little on the translation) “You give us a dog. We give you back a warrior.”
0:43 — Nacho waves goodbye. He looks deeply suspicious for some reason.
So, in short, I don’t know what strange, fanciful world of military fife marches, doggy obstacle courses, Pekingese tea parties, and antique farming equipment those other bloggers have been to. Personally? This is the only one I need.
I could, and possibly will, watch this all afternoon. If you need more variety, however, here are some of Nando’s other recent acts of recorded salesmanship.
He’s playing tennis!
And my second-favorite after the dog-school ad: he’s styling hair!
Have a great summer, everyone.
Read More: Fernando Torres, Going the Extra Mile
by Brian Phillips · February 6, 2009
Wait a second…I think maybe Nando’s “amigo” is Narub, and the pug at the beginning is named Nacho. By watching this commercial over and over again, I’m slowly teaching myself Spanish.
Also, the ads are part of a viral campaign for a Spanish bank, and are apparently “bad on purpose.” I guess that takes something away from them. Still, I knew I could detect a wafting of genius somewhere in the background. And I maintain that the magical world of the dog school stands on its own, no matter who’s exploiting it.
Regardless of whether these ads are “real” or “fake” Torres wins. He is:
a. the nicest celebrity on the plant willing to use his fame to help out some mates regardles of how it may tarnish his “brand” or
b. he is willing to treat his celebrity with the self-effacing cynicism it deserves or
c. has a really good sense of humor and understands how ridiculous these ads make other celebrity endorsements look.
Regardless, putting the Gerard shirt on a German Sheppard is priceless.
These ads are great, the equivalent to having Manny Ramirez star in a video spot for Western New York’s Lockport-Gambino Ford.
So when’s he going to do an Eastern Motors spot with Clinton Portis?
The hairdresser one is far more hilarious than it has any right to be—just the music and shoulder motion at the beginning brings it close to giggly-pee-monkey level. And this is probably just me, but I was expecting Sr. Torres’s speaking voice to be a bit higher-pitched. Go figure.
I am simultaneously horrified and overjoyed, but that’s not new when it comes to Torres-related stories.
I think Olalla has a miniature dog and Nando has been having his hair frosted since he was about 12 so these are not just celebrity endorsement, they are informed celebrity endorsements.
These ads are so bad/good I’m thinking Torres actually uses all these services, did one ad to help a friend, and then couldn’t say no when all his other friends asked for the same treatment.
Nothing brings me to tears of laughter faster than these clips.