I like thinking about all the ways Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis could have tried to persuade his young stars to stay at the club rather than jumping to England during the January transfer window. He could have talked about the proud tradition of the club of Maradona. He could have mentioned the exhilaration of playing for a young team on the rise, limited only by its own imagination. Alternately, he could have launched an unprovoked assault on the genital hygeine of Englishwomen.
Guess which strategy he chose?
If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.
So listen up, Ezequiel Lavezzi. Marek Hamšík, eyes front, if you please. If you boys want to play for Chelsea, play for Chelsea—who’s stopping you? Just be sure you go in with your eyes open, so to speak.
If you play for Chelsea, boys, you’re going to be around women. Women with genitalia. Unclean genitalia. It’s a fact! I’m just saying, that’s all! Why are you all looking at me like that? What? WHAT? STRUMPETS!
[via Dirty Tackle]
Read More: Going the Extra Mile
by Brian Phillips · December 16, 2008
Not to kill the gag, but they’ve embellished the original quote, which referred only to “the women not using bidets”.
See the last paragraph of this article from La Gazzetta http://www.gazzetta.it/Calcio/SerieA/Squadre/Napoli/Primo_Piano/2008/12/02/napoli_0212.shtml
My favourite aspect of this rant was that it was completely unprovoked, and was issued in one of the best hotels in Sorrento, where De Laurentis was receiving the “Golden Ticket” award for having produced the film that did the best box office in Italy this year.
That film was Natale in Crociera (or “Christmas on a Cruise”, see http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1065329/) the latest episode in a franchise of holiday-themed farces are called “panettone movies” here.
I can only assume that De Laurentis not only provided bidets for each of his female co-stars (all of whom have had dalliances with footballers at one time), but also personally made sure that they used them.
I also think he may have been hitting the limoncello a bit too hard.
I’d imagine that one of the things mentioned in your last two paragraphs would lead to the other with De Laurentiis, but there’s no way I could guess about the order.
Um, could you watch it? I’m a Napoli fan, and have been for my whole life.*
*(last three days.)
I tried to develop a bidet favicon for the site, but it just kept looking like a fuzzy toilet. So i decided to be original and use a soccer ball.