Arsene’s on the TV, moanin’ in the microphone,
I’m on the cell phone, talkin’ like a megaphone.
The man in the black shirt, flag out, played off-
side; I got a red top, I wanna knock his fade off.
Look out, Joe,
it’s somethin’ you know.
God knows what, but you feel it in your gut,
you better duck through the changin’ room,
lookin’ for a shortcut,
the man in the sharkskin suit with his back up
wants a shiny silver spoon, and you only got cups.
Rooney goes club foot, can’t kick a tree root,
scuddin’ like a shot put, we won 3-1 but
the Sun’s mad anyway,
Rooney says that many say
we missed out on Afellay,
and can’t win with O’Shea.
Look out, Sam,
it’s all just a scam.
Drumsticks and bordeauxs,
one-nils, two-ohs;
the hotel’s late show’s
got you drinkin’ merlots.
Lose your own toes,
don’t read bad prose.
You don’t need a referee to know where extra time goes.
Ohhh…hard times, hard sell,
poppy on the lapel,
if Welbeck won’t gel,
recall him from the loan spell.
Talk loud, act proud,
be wronged, don’t fail,
don’t quail, rebel,
the BBC can go to hell.
Look out, Raf,
they’re havin’ a laugh
at handshakes, fact-sheets,
low-down backaches,
someone else’s bad tweets.
The boys down on Fleet Street
are workin’ at a white heat;
don’t breathe the ozone
or fire up the Prozone.
Ohhh…contacts, contracts,
meet sheikhs, kiss cheeks, plug your leaks,
red birch, skip church,
knock ’em off the high perch.
Play Giggs, duck eggs, sell Becks,
throw boots, write checks—
fifty years of football and they only ask you who’s next.
Look out, Mark,
you’re all in the dark.
Better climb down a ladder,
meet the Mad Hatter,
don’t hear chatter,
try to avoid Sepp Blatter.
Don’t wanna be a Blue,
you better soft shoe;
the brains don’t work
’cause the adder ate the matter.
Read More: Alex Ferguson, Manchester United, Middlebrow Avant-Garde Poetry, Portraits
by Brian Phillips · January 27, 2011
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just brilliant
I believe you’ve outdone yourself here.
this is great
*standing ovation*
love it!
Excellent
That’s it. I give up. I know when I’m beaten.
Lots of laughs, just skimming this.
I want to write. I want to write about football.
Reading this blog makes me feel like I will never be able to do so.
Just brilliant! Absolutely Brilliant! I just had to print it. Did I say it was brilliant?!
Genius
Mr. Phillips, I’m sure you get this all time, but you are, by far, my favorite soccer (or something not completely unlike soccer) writer. Absolutely love everything you write. Keep up the fantastic work.
Genius
Glorious.
This is the greatest thing I have ever seen.
Absolutely Amazing.
beautiful
You’ve gone and done it again for chrissakes. Splendid.
O.O
Unbelievable. How in God’s name did you stick to it?
Djudasz!
This is all kinds of wonderful. Knocks my ‘Keats-citing Man’ into a cocked hat.
Does the Mourinho pic reference a movie or anything?
@M.G. It references the cover of an album that you should probably buy right now.
@Brian Phillips &MG –
May I suggest the vinyl, 180gram Limited Edition pressing, in Mono, from Sundazed Records in Coxsackie, New York?
http://www.sundazed.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=68
@LC –
There is a reason, after all, to live … to write … to blog. But it’s a sisyphean slog.
When does Arsene respond? And does he use Edith Piaf or Serge Gainsbourg? Maybe even MC Solaar?
This is like Special 1 TV for people with humanities master’s degrees.
Would like to add my vote for a Wenger response in the style of MC Solaar, or maybe that french rapper lady he was briefly alleged to be associated with.
HAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!! Great.
I sent a link to this to the Expecting Rain site. So expect either intense analysis of the lyrics or the Dylan fans equivalent of a fatwah. Either way this is brilliant.
This was a treat!
This is wonderful. Perfect. Best read out loud.
At last I understand! The cover photo of “Bringing it All Back Home” was, of course, taken at Roman Abramovich’s mansion..
Superb
@James T Arsene seems like a Charlotte Gainsbourg type of person to me.
HAHAHAHAHA! Simply amazing!
Magnificent.
Absolutely brilliant….I smiled so much reading this article and admiring the creativity.
Absolutely brilliant
I am vacillating between awestruck and strangely terrified. Well done, Sir.
Clubwise this is another sad day but you are sooooo funny, thanks for the laugh
This is almost everything I have ever wanted in a song.
Arsene:
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait
Ni le mal; tout ça m’est bien égal !
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
C’est payé, balayé, oublié
Je me fous du passé !
Avec mes souvenirs
J’ai allumé le feu
Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
Je n’ai plus besoin d’eux !
(INCEPTION BRAAAHM)
This is great but I prefer his later more lyrical stuff.
early one morning the sun was shining i was laying in bed
wondering if I should change the team, if my nose was still red
the papers said the very next game sure was gonna be rough
they didn’t seem to like rooneys form, my midfiled wasn’t quick enough
and i was standing by the side of the pitch, rain falling on my shoes
wondering if i should make a switch between four-three-threes and four-four-twos
tangling with the blues
i had a job up in aberdeen working as a coach for a spell
but i never did like it all that much cos the weather there was hell
so i drifted down to manchester where i happened to be employed
working for team that had lost its way since the time of the busby boys
and all the while i was in charge the past was close behind
i bought a lot of players but Best stayed in their minds
and i blew a fuse
tangling with the blues
mancini lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
i though you’d never say hello he said you like the angry type
and he opened up a book of tactics and handed it to me
written by jonathan wilson from the 21st century
and every one of those words rang true in the voice of andy cole
pouring away from the forward line like a striker in the hole
and i just knew
i’d soon be tangling with the blues
so now im going back again i’ve to get some points somehow
all the players that i have signed they’re an illusion to me now
some are tv analysts, some have slept with their best friends wives
i dunno how it all got started, i dunno what they do with their lives
but me i’m still on the road trying to get to Upton Park
we always did feel the same just glad that we weren’t Mark
Hughes. Tangling with the blues.
@Russell *slowclap*
Bob Dylan and Football rarely cross paths, but when they do it’s simply glorious.
*Claps Claps Claps*
oh. my. god.
wow!
awesome
funny and brilliant!
keep up the good job.
Nice read
Also, have a read:
http://kratik1987.blogspot.com/2011/02/dalglish-we-are-back.html
Liverpool and Manchester United fans must read this.
Excelent, just brilliant!