Rumor is abroad throughout the Western Kingdoms. Men whisper of trouble in the East, of death upon the great roads, of armies massing for war. It is even said that the worm Drakorath, the dragon of the Rivening, has awakened in the Valley of Bal-Sharom and been seen in the skies over the villages to the south. But fear not, brave warden of the flame. Hope yet survives in the Kingdoms. Wayne Rooney has a 20-sided die.
Wayne Rooney
Rank/Class: Level 37 Fighter
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Equipment: Helm of Bellowing +2
Story: The underground realm of the dwarves stretches from beneath the Daggerback mountains to the great canyon of Dwarrowdwell in the north. Gold glitters on the ceilings of the vast halls where the Grey Guard holds its feasts. From deep within these caverns comes the warrior Run’ei, son of the great Ferg’ei, the king at Glazerdown. After successfully completing the Red Passage, he has been sent by his people to investigate
the reports of trouble coming in from the surface.
Kaka
Rank/Class: Level 39 Cleric
Alignment: Lawful Good
Equipment: Robes of True Belonging (+4 to Armor Class, +20% to movement speed, +11 to reputation among followers of the True Faith)
Story: How does a follower of the True Faith—the Radiant Path of Ariadorialariol, Goddess of Bladefire—come to be enslaved by the skull-helmed Warlords of the White March? How does a powerful and blessed warrior, capable of striking down his enemies with the rays of the sun itself, allow himself to be forced to labor for the reavers of the Yeste? In the case of Kaka, the enigmatic Proctor of Perilor Abbey, the answer is impossible to determine. Has been bewitched by his foul masters? Or is he merely biding his time?
Rank/Class: Level 19 Mage
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Equipment: Boots of Fortunate Birth (+11 to Combat Positioning)
Story: The white spires of Lorimel, City of Towers, rise from the shores of Lake Silvereye in the heart of the human land of Berluscan. Here, the fashionable lords and ladies come and go, traversing the marble streets in their colorful silken palanquins. Only one among them goes on foot: the wizard Pippo, who stoops against his gnarled staff, sneering and muttering softly to himself. Dressed head to toe in black, he looks like a crow at first snowfall, and none of the lords and ladies knows whether to fear him or hold him in contempt. Yet when the city is in peril, it is to Pippo that they invariably must go.
Rafa Benitez
Rank/Class: Level 4 Bard
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Equipment: Scroll of Facts (Roll 1d20 to determine Charisma boost;
if target passes a Sense Resistance Check, player’s Charisma is reduced by that number instead)
Story: The Bards of Andurain play a crucial role among their people’s warrior caste. Their songs and chants inspire soldiers before battle, and their taunts often distract their enemies during it. The amount of learning and skill it takes to transform a bit of dry history into a magical song can be daunting, however, and when ill-accomplished bards sing badly, they can demoralize their companions and give courage to the enemy’s ranks. It takes a deft touch, a steady hand, and a firm, even temperament to make a bard whom his soldiers can admire.
Leo Messi
Rank/Class: Level 50 Thief
Alignment: Neutral
Equipment: Boots of the Footpad +10, Cowl of Second Sight
Story: The metropolis of Meskayun sprawls against the western banks of the Storm Sea, the vast inland ocean that separates the Western
Kingdoms from the Empire of Kallendor. Here, in the elvish slums of the Stammermere district, the paladin Guardiola has taken a room at the Blue Dragon Arms. No one knows why the legendary warrior has come to the deadliest slum in Meskayun. There are rumors that he is assembling an expedition to investigate the awakening of Drakorath, and that he seeks the services of Liomess, the thief. For years the Stammermere has sounded with the stories of Liomess’s exploits: how he steals upon his victims like the night itself; how the lock has yet to be forged that can keep him out. There is only one problem. Astounding are the reports of his skill, yet none knows for certain whether Liomess even exists.
Read More: Going the Extra Mile
by Brian Phillips · June 1, 2010
WE HAVE JUST A FEW DAYS TO GET THESE CARDS INTO PRODUCTION STOP HAVE JUST WIRED YOU MY ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS STOP AM LEAVING FOR SOUTH AFRICA THIS A.M. TO SPREAD THE WORD
I now appreciate even more the site design that lets me enlarge all these book covers and look and look…. I’m convinced that someone next to me on the elliptical this morning was already reading The Lesser Lord’s Wife. And I’m hoping that I might be reading it soon.
this is fantastic. i now want to go play an RPG non stop for a week. if only this were real…
What 2005 Ronaldinho did with a ball you do with a pen. Fantastic, unexpected, and hilarious.
And from someone with experience tabletopping, I’d LOVE to play this game.
Never have I loved the written word more than this day. Verily, you are a paragon of all that is good and virtuous.
I’m thinking Bob Bradley would be some sort of evil necromancer with eyes that pierce into your soul…
Andriy Shevchenko… how the mighty have fallen: From the most sought after striker in Europe to an illustrator of CR7 crotchshots.
I also like the Ray Hudson quote. What are the other books of the Faerie Fell Tetrology? One of them must involve Fernando Torres:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/02/18/article-1252017-085A86D4000005DC-938_224x324_popup.jpg
@aj There are fourteen volumes in the tetralogy, all told, three of which involve a young hero called Nando who leaves the forest and sets out for a city full of human thugs and thieves. Will he survive after losing his Hubcaps +7? Buy Forth from the Glimmerglade from Ace Books and find out!
lol @ Robes of True Belonging
The John Terry book is just hilarious, “you could almost believe he’s lived it.”
At least have the common decency to base your extended metaphor on a respectable fantasy CCG and not this dice-tossing-nerd nonsense!
@Elliott Under Mourinho, Chelsea were a classic blue-white control deck. Discuss.
@Sean Uh uh. Blue / Green: Drogba = Force of Nature.
THis is awesome.
@Max O You guys are scaring me. And I recently spent several hours devising an alternative career as a fantasy novelist for Arsène Wenger.
How do you come up with this? Great stuff.
@Max O I think Drogba is a metallic ultra-rare card with multiple casting costs. Part of Mourinho’s dark genius is that he disdained the eye-catching Trample and Overkill abilities of Drogba when cast with green mana in order to fit him in the control scheme.
@Sean Did you really just call Mourinho an Icy Manipulator? SNAP. I already thought he’d look good in Jester’s Cap…
@Elliott I just hope he can affix the Mind Harness to Ronaldo pronto.
@Sean But the Mourinho counterattacks are swift and brutal like a classic Necropotence opening five turns, no? The Diego Milito opening goal reminded me of a stripmine and hymn to tourach followed by hypnotic specter after hypnotic specter after…
You forgot race!
OMG Rafa as a Bard, perfect, they are so lame and he’s so lame he’s only human. Oh and Messi is a halfling thief! Wayne Rooney is totally a half human/half orc fighter. Kaka is lawful good, annoyingly so.
Wenger is a wizard, lame at the beginning b/c they are weak and awesome as you level up, but sometimes too cerebral for the campaign, making the wrong moves.
Mourinho is the DM man, and don’t piss him off because he’ll narrate a fire ball falling randomly from the sky obliterating your character!
@Sean Uh uh. Blue / Green: Drogba = Force of Nature.
You had me at “Pippo Inzaghi’s Boots of Fortunate Birth.” Spectacular. Can we nominate you for any awards today?