So the World Cup draw is tomorrow. Here’s my prediction for these United States.
Spain; U.S.; Ivory Coast; unincorporated nation populated entirely by soccer-playing velociraptors whose diet includes polyester, synthetic materials used in Nike boot uppers, and human flesh.
Thoughts?
by Brian Phillips · December 3, 2009
The Simplest Game Community
Also please note that the velociraptors will be entered as a “33rd nation” following a last-minute rule change while Ireland are not allowed to play.
Last I’d heard, Ireland were being allowed a “33rd” entry.
They’ve already been drawn into Group I. For Imaginary.
Well, USA has Spain’s number, so that’s an easy 4-0 win. The Ivory Coast beats USA 2-1 on some Drogba shenanigans, but a last-minute apparel switch to Adidas allows the Americans to “withstand” a 3-0 loss to the raptors – though Stewie Holden will be devoured whole in the 33rd minute – and the U.S. squeaks through to the knockout round on goal differential.
Or something like that.
Yes! Cue 3500 articles and one painfully awkward PTI segment about whether the heroic loss to the raptors will finally put soccer over the top with mainstream American sports fans.
This is absolutely bogus. Serbians don’t eat polyester.
I hate to go into “neurotic fact-checker mode,” but Guadeloupe is not allowed in FIFA competitions.
Or were you referring to another velociraptor infested nation?
Don’t forget the article cheekily headlined “Just Blew It” about how Nike is doomed in the U.S. market by the Americans’ successful switch to Adidas.
I nominate Donovan for that awkward PTI segment. His general public forum humorlessness, coupled with a satellite delay between the studio and South Africa will lead him to whiff even more awkwardly at fill-in host Dan LeBatard’s joke setups.
If theyre gonna let cheaters (france) to play I would rather have the island republic of pingo pango play
I say this as a life long soccer fan
SHAME ON YOU FIFA
I hope England get Portugal in their group; the idea of a game there not being able to go to penalties makes me regret renouncing the crown.
The Portuguese players would probably take a few unconscious penalties at the end before they noticed England’s goalkeeper had left the stadium.
Not that they particularly noticed he was in the stadium in those earlier matches, of course.
That’s fine Brian, so long as Australia don’t draw the velociraptors until the quarter finals. Then again Australia is in the same pot as the USMNT, so there is no risk of that.
Unincorportated nation – the only one of those I can see in the draw is England (as part of the UK), so maybe Fabio Capello thought that a synthetic upper eating velociraptor is his most reliable option in goal. Very little discernable change in Wayne Rooney.
Rooney’s just happy to be playing with a team of winners for once.
Knowing our luck, the group of death. Something horrible like South Africa, Uruguay and Greece. Am I right, guys?
Cant we just play New Zealand 3 times? At least we’d be guaranteed 1 win.
i think the best group for s.a would be new zealand , honduras and new zealand. its the only country we capable of beating, we’d think of it as playing against 11 Charles Dampseys
In fairness, the Island Republic of Pingo Pango’s consolation penalty in their Oceania preliminary qualifying eliminator did come from what looked like a dive. Some refs would have given it, some wouldn’t, kind of thing.
My creative writing teacher would love this