Eventualities kept me from seeing almost all of the games this weekend (for the record, I caught the first half of Man Utd-Arsenal and part of the second half of Barcelona-It Doesn’t Really Make Any Difference) so I’m not just bursting with new soccer insights to write about today. Not that you would be able to tell that from the following blog post, in which I try to figure out which well-known TV dramas the top four clubs in England would be if they were somehow to become TV dramas, but in a way that preserved the basic features of their identities. Let me know if you have trouble understanding this concept. It’s something pretty new on the internet.
Speculatively, then:
The Sopranos
The show. An epic of human corruption, ultimately undone by the self-loathing consequent on its inability to decide whether it wanted to be tragedy or satire.
The club. Chelsea. Though, to be fair, as high-priced Italian imports go, Furio was a sight more useful than Andriy Shevchenko.
Deadwood
The show. A drama of civilization, proving that the savagery endemic to the formation of an ordered society will be taken for heroism by the later, softer generations who look back on it as the key to a mythic past.
The club. Um, Liverpool, maybe? Maybe Liverpool?
The Wire
The show. A portrait of the modern city, diagramming the interlocking systems of authority, criminality, violence, economy, and culture, and demonstrating perhaps most eloquently that power is always a function of either fulfilling desire or repressing it.
The club. Manchester United. This is partly because Man Utd, too, is a complex web of aggression and constraint, Alex Ferguson having instituted a culture in which the energy of criminal fantasy is incessantly channeled back into an overriding but unstable system of control, and partly because Wayne Rooney totally looks like Herc.
Mad Men
The show. The saga of capitalist desire, exploring the seductions and distortions of self that become possible in a world made dreamlike by its freedom and fluidity.
The club. Arsenal. Or, as they were known before Arsène Wenger arrived, “Dick Whitman FC.”
What am I missing? I’m working on a theory about Dexter and Blackburn (protagonists that are somehow sympathetic even though prone to violence), and I think Wigan are probably Six Feet Under (because I have no interest in watching them). But I’m sure there’s more. And yes, if I can figure out a way to plump this out with a Z-axis involving characters from The Big Lebowski or historical epochs beginning with Julius Caesar, I’ll make it into a Facebook quiz and retire.
Read More: Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester United
by Brian Phillips · September 1, 2009
“Wayne Rooney totally looks like Herc” Yeah – but since you also have Essien and Johnson filling up the vacants, an argument could be made that the Premier League itself is the fundamentally flawed city.
Each club has it’s rise and fall, players are built up before they are snuffed out and unstable growth through untenable loans means someones eventually going to have to give their Pulitzer back.
Surely Man City has to fit into this conversation somehow.
for the z axis, obviously, sam allardyce is walter sobchak
Liverpool? Deadwood? Voronin.
Does Rooney look as much like Herc as Ballack looks like McNulty? I think not.
Man City is pretty clearly Sex and the City.
I really think you should reconsider Six Feet Under. Best TV show I’ve ever watched.
Man City:Entourage – Both have thier heads in the clouds
and although it isn’t premier league
Barcelona:The Office – You start watching it because of the flash/surface comedy, but you stay because of deeper things like Xavi/Jim and Pam
Everton is American Idol, with Lescott being the recently departed Paula Abdul
Spurs are 24. Once revolutionary, still big and popular, disappointing in recent seasons, but always carrying hope that the next season will be a breakthrough.
Newcastle are Fawlty Towers. Would I need to explain?
Burnley=Firefly. Lovable band of misfits take on the biggest powers in the ‘Verse. Lasted one season.
What Big Lebowski Character Would You Be If You Were an English Football Club That Had Become a Critically Acclaimed American TV Series?
…
7. If you go to a party, how do you play it?
[ ] Confident, being the center of attention. I’m what it’s at!
[ ] In the corner, talking to friends, possibly trying to buy Alma Garrett’s gold mine.
[*] Adapting to the modern 4-3-3 by using the full width of the pitch to drag defenders out of position.
[ ] Nothing too strange, just mellow times with the people you care about.
…
YOU ARE: Smokey
A club with a proud history that includes the FA Cup in 1927 and a Second Division runners-up title in 1952, you became the head of TV at Sterling Cooper after taking to bowling as a refuge for your emotionally damaged brand of Vietnam-era pacifism. You may have seen better days, but with a new stadium and an increasingly high profile within the agency, you definitely won’t be going “over the line”!
Whoa whoa whoa….The Sopranos…”undone”?
who the hell watches the office for jim and pam??
Due to recent developments, Spurs = Lost?
Miele – Solid cast, but eventually undone by its own grandeur?
Wild leaping around in time, since the club are always finishing in the top four before the season even begins?
Leeds is Arrested Development – great for a spell, lost as of late, but perhaps on the verge of a comeback? Eddie Lewis also has the same jaw structure as Steve Holt
“Smokey, this isn’t the V-league; there are rules!”
Will Roman always be running through the snow at Camp Nou (Pine Barrens), trying to escape Tom Øverbø?
How about Sportsnight for Villa? Nice to watch, clever at times, but missing something that would make it great.
You could do BSG for Villa: Good to great at the beginning, fans-wishing-it-to-just-get-done at the end.
Chris and Brian: agreed.
See also: gets really good during flashback (scenes).