It’s happening. It might be nice if it weren’t happening during the raw single digits of a Saturday morning, but I’m telling myself that the exhaustion and disorientation will help me understand what Man Utd have been feeling during the last two months of their championship run. Anyway, I’ll be around during the game, leaving a lot of comments.
Let’s experience the significance of this moment by leaving a lot of comments.
Read More: Arsenal, Manchester United
by Brian Phillips · May 16, 2009
What language should I watch this in? I’m leaning toward Dutch.
Wait…or English.
Is it really true that “Liverpool have put up a fantastic title challenge” this season? It seems to me that the fixture list put up a fantastic title challenge this season.
Team news: Adebayor isn’t starting today because of a hamstring injury he sustained while complaining about Arsene Wenger.
Tevez is starting for United. Ferdinand is still out. Jonny Evans is playing in his place. For those of us who would like to see this moment drag on even more excruciatingly, I think Jonny Evans is our greatest hope.
The color commentator just declared that “it’s been a bright start for both teams.” We’ve been playing for a minute and a half!
The announcers are falling all over themselves to praise Ryan Giggs’s performance so far. WE’VE BEEN PLAYING FOR THREE MINUTES.
“Arsenal certainly don’t need to go 1-0 down today,” the color commentator observes serenely. Hold on, I’m switching back to Dutch.
Idioms that work equally well regardless of whether they’re understood in the English or in the American sense: “Manchester United are just so full of themselves.”
morning
Hey.
Why do the Man Utd fans love Tevez so much? They’re singing about signing him to a long-term deal.
I don’t think they had songs like that in Sir Matt Busby’s day.
Ronaldo just slipped the ball past Song and tried to pass it to Rooney, but Kolo Toure got there first and aimed it at the head of God.
Van Persie misses a really good chance on the other end.
We get a slow-motion replay of one of Ronaldo’s stepover moves that makes him look like a windup toy being shown in fast-motion.
Ronaldo’s limping around a bit, causing some concerned looks from the Man Utd physios.
“Sometimes the best therapy is give him the football,” the commentator says. Other times, the best therapy is medical treatment.
Rooney makes a brilliant run and narrowly misses, or “Rooneys”, the header.
Van Persie takes an optimistic dive, mistakenly believing that the visiting team could ever win a penalty at Old Trafford.
Not that match is happening. Van Persie got booked, but it seemed like the referee just needed something to do more than anything.
Man Utd win a corner! Giggs takes it! Van Persie easily heads it away three yards shy of the near post!
Sagna and Nasri are having their way on the right side of the pitch. This may be because Man Utd’s only defensive player on that side of the pitch is their left back, Wayne Rooney.
Proving he can also play as an attacking fullback, Rooney goes tearing down the left and slips the ball to Giggs in the box. Giggs makes himself some space and just smashes the ball stright at the face of God.
Arsenal get a bunch of quasi-opportunities but don’t really do anything with them. It was kind of an exciting ten seconds, though!
Arshavin gets a yellow card for tackling the air near Michael Carrick’s ankle.
The commentators are astonished that Arshavin doesn’t protest this. “He has excellent English,” one says. “He can certainly make himself understood.” The one doesn’t necessarily follow from the other in Arshavin’s case, Jon.
Ronaldo misses a free kick, and it’s half time.
I’m going to go make some breakfast. This is too grim to do on an empty stomach.
Arshavin accepted that with wearied resignation. His expression reminded me of Senderos.
Reasons I struggled to maintain an interest in the Premier League over the second half of this season:
1. The fact that the table was always deceiving because Liverpool and Man Utd had never played the same number of games, leading to an endless stream of “Liverpool go top” stories even though they were only in first because of goal differential and Man Utd had 26 games in hand.
2. The joylessness of Man Utd’s slog to victory. Once the (already annoying and misleading) van der Sar clean sheets story went away, there was just nothing compelling about the team at all, and the absurdly over-publicized “Giggs for player of the year” campaign just cemented that. I was fascinated by this team last season, but this season it was like all the interesting angles got sanded away and they just kept winning on muscle memory and habit. As Giovanna pointed out in a comment yesterday, at least last year Ronaldo was in crazy/divine form, whereas this year he’s just been a very, very good player. Huge difference.
3. The fact that Arsenal were out of the race so early. The league is so much more interesting when Arsenal are offering a competitively viable alternative to the rest of the top four.
4. The endless sequence of nightclub arrests. I mean, just stop it. Just stop.
Nick — Absolutely. It was like it confirmed something he already suspected.
5. The Villa slump. The race for the UEFA Cup spots was interesting enough, but the early sense that another club had a really good chance to crash into the top four, followed by the sudden and breathtaking collapse of that sense, seemed to raise the stakes at the wrong time and then lower them just when they should have been raised.
6. The “Cockney mafia” at Newcastle. (Really, guys?) Then, the downfall of the “Cockney mafia” at Newcastle. Alan Shearer at Newcastle. Newcastle.
As a diversion, why not enjoy the user reviews of this t-shirt on Amazon.com?
Tevez nearly breaks through in the area! Fabianski taps it away at full stretch, and the Arsenal defenders successfully clear it away.
Michael Carrick nearly causes his own decapitation by sticking his head between the goal and a wicked piledriver of a Van Persie free kick. “That’s how you win championships,” John Gregory informs us as he rolls on the ground clutching his head.
Park is coming on for Tevez. Loud, classy boos ring down from the Old Trafford crowd.
Apparently Alex Ferguson isn’t giving them that eighteenth championship in precisely the manner and style in which they think they’re entitled to it.
Walcott comes on for Arshavin. Bendtner comes on for Nasri.
Both managers have now withdrawn arguably their best players of the day. Not that we care, blessed with an unforeseen opportunity to feast our eyes on the play of Nicklas Bendtner.
Eboue comes on for Gibbs.
Ronado takes the ball down the left! Evra’s broken free down the center! Just as Ronaldo’s about to make the pass, Song pushes him to the ground, then turns around looking incredulous and aggrieved before the referee’s even blown his whistle.
The Ronaldo free kick is a brilliant near miss, causing Ronaldo to do that “grimacing while stiffly wiping his face with two open palms” move he perfected last year.
Man Utd are 10 minutes plus stoppage time away from winning the title.
Arsenal string together two straight passages of intricate passing. The second one ends with Fabregas unmarked in the left side of the area, but his shot winds up on the wrong side of the net. A brief moment of panic for Man Utd fans, though.
Brian: come on, now. Enough. This charade must stop. You must realize that all this is in your head? I mean, didn’t it occur to you that your, practically, the only person here? You don’t have a blog, you’re not watching a title decider, you’re not the manager of an Italian Serie A club. You don’t even like football! Take the advice of some facet of your id and just stop it. Before it’s too late…
Ugh…ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
And Manchester United win the championship!
Literally the moment the whistle blew, my internet cut out. Score one for Tuco.
A lot of United fans in the stands are flexing for some reason. Does watching your team win a championship make you more proud of your biceps?
7. Villa and Spurs treating the UEFA Cup like community service
Camera in the Man Utd dressing room: the players are barely even smiling. Alex Ferguson is ostentatiously checking his watch. They do know the match is over, right?
8. The fact that I can’t even remember who played in the Carling Cup final right now.
Man Utd and Tottenham, was it?
Setanta’s showing footage of the players jumping around and dancing. It looks suspiciously like it might be from last year, though.
The camera lingers on a banner at Old Trafford reading “ROONEY: The White Pele.” Classy and accurate.
There are some funny banners riffing on the Rafa Benitez “Fact” rant, though. Oh, wait…
9. The Rafa Benitez “Fact” rant and the ensuing wall-to-wall analysis of it.
could a title feel more bland?
Let me take you down, ‘cos I’m going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real. And nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever…
Can results today relegate West Brom today?
If so, tomorrow’s game may provide a wonderful exercise in nihilism
today today today.
Yeesh.
This is sweet. Ryan Giggs is carrying his grandchildren out onto the pitch.
Have the players gotten their medals? The Setanta cameras are only showing the crowd.
Do they not have permission to show the trophy ceremony or something?
God, that would be so football.
Oh, wait, there’s Alex Ferguson now. He looks pleased and peppery.
Nani looks genuinely terrified of having champagne sprayed on him.
It’s a strange thing, ambition. All that work, pain, and sacrifice, all so you can jump around in a heap for 5 minutes and have expensive, sticky alcohol splashed all over you.
You’d think they could just, I don’t know, go to a Limp Bizkit revival.
And on that note, thanks to everyone who stuck around for this extremely depressing event. If you’re feeling weird or scared this afternoon, just remember: The exact same thing will probably happen next year.
Amazon reviews of milk: what the internet was invented for.
Oh yeah: United, eh? What about…um…all that…stuff…then…?
Well that seems like the dullest ending to what has been a decent exciting season. Shame Liverpool didn’t win, we did play the better football but were less consistent.
Relegation battle could be fun?
Wow, I also got up early and braved the match, but the weight of expectations is much too heavy. If Carlos is smart he’ll make payday at lowly Real; if he stays at United the shrink fees alone will burn a hole in his pocket