Hovering beside the last letter of the regret I feel at not being able to speak Italian is a tiny asterisk, which, when clicked, jumps your browser page down to the following sentence: “Regret does not apply within the confines of the Juventus locker room.” In the case of this commercial, incomprehension is a double blessing, because it also means I can invent a new script every time I watch it to explain why the Juventus players suddenly decide to forgive Amauri and send him on a tropical cruise at the end. Here’s what I’d like to think happens.
0:06 — Amauri is substituted for De Ceglie.
0:09 — Juventus play as if energized by Amauri’s departure. Camoranesi bears down on goal.
0:11 — Amauri, in the locker room, peels off his shirt, revealing his shining naked skin as the announcer cries out Camoranesi’s name.
0:13 — Unthinkingly, Amauri hangs his shirt on the master control switch for all the lights in the stadium, which is of course situated directly beside the team showers.
0:14 — The weight of the shirt pulls the switch down, plunging the stadium into a total blackout. “Noooo!” the announcer cries. “Are you just going to leave me like this?”
0:21 — All the Juventus players file into the locker room, because stadium maintenance issues are handled collectively by the entire Juventus team.
0:25 — Camoranesi finds Amauri’s shirt as Amauri, now wearing only a towel, strides toward him out of the showers.
0:27 — Playfully, Camoranesi throws the shirt at Amauri, who’s towelling off.
0:29 — Rubbing lightly at his tresses, Amauri proclaims, “I am a seasoned killer, and I will destroy you if you resist me.”
0:30 — The Juventus players are persuaded by Amauri’s logic.
0:31-0:40 — Amauri takes a cruise, where he receives a massage from a lady with a lint brush and engages a 9-year-old boy in a game of beach-ball head-tennis. A smoky, reassuring, grandfatherly voice—the president of Costa Cruciere cruise lines—pleads with the police to save the ship from Amauri, who has taken it over and set it on a course for the sheer ice cliffs of Antarctica.
~End~
[via The Beautiful Game]
Read More: Juventus
by Brian Phillips · January 19, 2009
I thought you said you couldn’t speak Italian.
Really, what can the police do? He’s a seasoned killer who will destroy them if they resist him.
Besides which, if they come after him, he’ll just throw his shirt over the light switch and leave them all completely blinded.
There’s no defense against that move. None. It’s unstoppable.
Wait, I thought Amauri said, “it was for a Malaysian betting syndicate, we’re rich!”
Plus, his sweat must be extraordinarily heavy.
Notice how much less burdened he seems when he comes out of the shower…
“We are reenacting the ten plagues. Next I will kill your first born.”
.. which he proceeds to do, with a beach ball.