A Weekend of Flying Corks

One of my good friends decided to get married this weekend, and as a result I’ll be missing all the games. And it’s a short and relatively direct logical leap from there to the realization that I won’t be writing about any of them. I know that’s going to be hard for you, but look: you people matter to me, but I am never going to prioritize this site above the things that mean the most in life, like tiny frilly oysters wrapped in bacon.

The good news (again, for me) is that the wedding is in Sarasota, FL, a site of immense natural beauty which also happens to be the epicenter of the worldwide mortgage crash. It was also the home of several Ringling Brothers and has ties to the circus industry going back to the early 20th century. So, while I might be missing Aston Villa’s all-important clash with Manchester United, while I might be missing the Ranieri-Mourinho faceoff at the San Siro, while I might be missing Sevilla’s epic struggle with Valencia, I do have arguably the best chance of my adult life to encounter actual homeless clowns.

Write your own previews this week. I’ve got some weird, weird tours to book.

• Aston Villa – Manchester United (Saturday, 17:30 GMT, 12:30pm ET)
• Inter – Juventus (Saturday, 19:30 GMT, 2:30pm ET)

NOTE: There may be a prize for the person who submits the best caption to a picture, any picture, of a Mourinho-Ranieri interaction. I don’t want to give anything away about what the prize might be, but…do the words “homeless clowns” mean anything to you?

• Sevilla – Valencia (Saturday, 21:00 GMT, 4:30 ET)