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What the Dust Mites Would Say, If They Could Only Speak

Posted By Vandal-prone On November 13, 2008 @ 11:42 am In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Ourr kinngdom is strronng.

All wwe ssee…all wwe ssurvvey…is ourrs. Ourrs! Ffrom the enndless, unnddulating pplains, to the mmighty and ppitiless wwhite mmounntains, wwhich onnly ourr unrremmittinng llabbors ccould have tamedd, ourr ddominnion is perrffect. Ourr humann skkinn farrms conntinue to pproduce pplentifful quanntities of swweet, nnurturrinng ddead fflakkes of ffllesh. Nnurturrinng! Ourr surrging ppoppulations, ourr vverittable ssea of nnoble, egg-llaying mmultitudes, pproccreate withhout hungger orr fearr. Ourr llife is ggood. Wwe arre a thhriving ppeople.

I ccome to yyou nnow, O humann sllave, witth twwo ssaccred commands! Sso lonng as yyou ffear and wworshipp uss, yyou wwould do wwell to obbey!

Ffirst, yyou wwill stopp rrollingg ovver in yourr slleepp. Sttop thhis! Anncient civvilizations bbrought to rruin, ggenerationss of wwork unddone, mmillionns of livves suddennly snuffedd outt…tthe sseas rroiling, thhe vverry ggroundd heavving and cchurnning benneatth us… Wwe willl not sstand forr the ccontinuation of tthese hholoccausts! Tthese hholoccausts must ccease! Hhear mme, and obbey!

Seccondd, yyou will sstopp givvingg the Hhondda Pplayyer of the Yyearr Awward to Llanddonn Donovvann. Wwe cannott sttress thhis ttoo sttronggly! Hhow offtten mmustt hhis ovverrinfflated ggoal-sccoring reccord annd mmodderate skkills connttinue to bbe reccoggnized by yourr ppathetticc sppecies?  Ourr ssages, whho hhave disscussedd thhis in ssacredd counccil, tell uss that commpetittion forr the awward is sligght, but tthere arre anny nummber of pplayers on the USMMNNTT wwho ddeserve it as mmuch as Ddonovan!

Wwe believve that he kkeeps winningg it onnly bbecause hhe is tthe mmost ffamous!

Annd nnow therre are rummors tthat he’s bbeing sseriouslly considdered as a repplacementt for Ppodolskki at Bbayern? Bbut tthis is maddnesss! Maddnesss!

In ourr grreatt wisddom, wwe can ssee tthis. Wwhhyy—wwhhyy–cann’t yyou?

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