West Ham are about to make Zola their new manager, at least if the rumor can be believed. At first, I thought Balzac would be a better fit for the post, but then it occurred to me that Balzac still has traces of sentimentality, and what West Ham need is exactly the kind of unflinching sense of systemic inhumanity and cruelty that only Zola can provide. Although I’m still trying to figure out how his role in the Dreyfus affair will affect his preparations for Tottenham. Also, the fact that he’s been dead for nearly 106 years is bound have a negative effect on team morale. I mean, look what happened to Kevin Keegan.
What’s that? You mean to say that West Ham are looking to hire Gianfranco Zola, the 42-year-old star Italian footballer, and not Emile Zola, the French novelist who died in 1902? You know, I guess a part of me always knew that. Anyway, let’s pretend it’s not the case, and you can help me figure out which other writers should manage which other teams. Here are my thoughts so far.
Victor Hugo — Arsenal. Historically considered boring; recently jazzed up with Broadway pyrotechnics and a lot of songs about the “triumph of the human spirit.”
Philip K. Dick — Manchester City. Welcome to your hellish dystopian future, Mr. Dick.
Charles Dickens — Chelsea. Virginia Woolf once said that when Dickens’s novels got slow he tended to “throw another handful of characters on the fire.” Also a philosophy employed by Roman Abramovich when forging his transfer policy.
Emily Bronte — Liverpool. Tempestuous. Unstable. Mostly remembered for her early work.
F. Scott Fitzgerald — Newcastle. So much potential. So badly run.
Graham Greene — Blackburn. No one’s claiming he’s the best at anything, but if you want someone who gets the job done year in and year out and isn’t afraid of hard work, Graham Greene is your man.
Lewis Carroll — Tottenham. Was it really all a dream?
That’s what I’ve got so far. Tell me, who am I leaving out?
Read More: Leaves of Grass, West Ham
by Brian Phillips · September 9, 2008
Henry James — Aston Villa.
American born but considered himself properly English, tried to define the encounter of Old World and New, a master of realist fiction (we’ll avoid relegation, and if we’re lucky, qualify for UEFA again).
Dante Alighieri — Manchester United. Understands that getting to heaven sometimes means putting other people through hell.
Might I suggest Dumas pere for Arsenal, also? Full of escapees from France; always do well in Italy, unfortunately let you down in the final third.
And I’m sure cross-dressing lesbians are *somewhere* in the picture.
Plus I have a feeling that the musketeers would scorn all goal-scoring opportunities until they could “pass into the back of the net.”
Also, Arsene Wenger just seems like someone who’d know Milady de Winter. Dark chapter of his past, mysterious courier, dreaded revelations, pursed lips; I see this.
On Henry James: Obviously he’d be attracted to any club that included the word “villa.”
For some reason I want to suggest William Gibson for Barcelona. A Barca season is often like a Gibson novel – a complete head trip and you come out of it not being able to tell anyone what the hell actually went on.
George Gissing – Middlesborough.
Everyone’s heard of him/them, but no one is quite sure what he/they are for.
John Dryden — Leeds United.
It’s been a long time since anyone read John Dryden.
Jilly Cooper – Fulham.
All about shopping (and f*cking), with some Americans thrown in at random.
Brian, I just want to make a minute to say that your blend of intellectual yet witty style of writing is quickly becoming one of my favorite reads on all of the net. Your philosphical discussions on previous posts exploring the simplistic yet complex nature of the game makes me yearn for more “philosophical football” really great stuff, keep up the EXCELLENT work.
Equally at home in the drones club of Soho Square or the verdant prelapsarian idyll of Bisham Abbey ahead of a major tournament, PG Wodehouse could do a job for England – consistently selecting his cast from a small and familiar pool, then launching them on an intricate jaunt that is notable not so much for the generally predictable nature of its resolution, but for the exquisite freshness of wit and invention in the scenes of farce, confusion and bungling that lead up to it.
Oh mafu, exquisite.
And let’s not forget that Wodehouse also went down amid cries of treason with the entire nation against him.
Bolton – Jane Austen. Really boring, difficult to get through, leaves you underwhelmed in the end (at least from the few novels of hers I’ve read).
That one has me reeling, as I am at a complete loss on how to fit Ivan Campo or Sam Allardyce into an Austen plot. It would have been a bit easier when Nicholas Anelka was still there.
Anyway.
Newcastle United – Eugene Ionesco.
This can only be Theatre of the Absurd.
In order of increasing inanity, I nominate:
Richard Russo to manage the Rochester Raging Rhinos — He’s very much at home in upstate New York and likes his work-a-day heroes. The alliteration may get old, especially if headline writers start adding terms like “romp” and “roil” to the mix, but it’s a risk we might be willing to take. I also wanted to make sure that a US team was included.
Stephen Hawking as gaffer at Wolves — If anyone could figure out how to turn the clock back 50 years, it would be him.
Eduardo Galeano to manage Brian’s fantasy team — It just struck me today how the format and lyrical flow of Soccer in Sun and Shadow has been emulated and I daresay surpassed in The Run of Play.
Jackie Collins to run Harchester United — my wife’s guilty pleasure on FSC has done for women in the football front offices what Sarah Palin could do for the executive branch.
Oscar Wilde – Watford
during which period he pens The Ballad Of Reading’s Goal , an impassioned plea for the use of video technology
I’m not even bitter that I didn’t think of it: I’m just glad someone did.
Whatever happened to that player Zola used to go on about? You remember — that Jack Hughes fella?
(And it only took me a year and a half. I am the Leonard Cohen of blog commenters. Eyethangewe.)
@Fredorrarci I thought it might take me a year and half to get the joke. But it only took 30 minutes!