A couple of months ago I told you about an idea I had for a “Dictionary of Generic Narrative in Football”—a glossary of terms that would teach aspiring soccer fans how to talk about the game using the most widely admired and up-to-date cliches. At that point, I promised project updates, and here’s the first. Eventually, the lexicon will be many times longer than this and so exhaustive that anyone who reads it will immediately be eligible to work at the BBC.
Please feel free to submit your own entries to tips@runofplay.com or through comments. Any contributions that make the final list will be credited when it takes its place of honor in the sidebar, where it will remain, with your name attached, for as long as humanity endures and I keep paying my server costs.
ASIA A source of “untapped markets.”
BACK (v.t.) To praise by rote in a press conference. Writers: Should only be used in headlines; otherwise reformulate as “a ringing statement of support.”
CATENACCIO Apply to any 1-0 game.
DIVING Joke that it was caused by the wind. Of English players: “Did he dive, or did he just lose his balance?”
FIERY Euphemism for “alcoholic.”
FORMATIONS Overrated: the game is about the players.
FOULS (HARD) “There’s no excuse for that kind of thing.” Alternately: “It’s a man’s game.” “He just gave him a little tap.”
GOAL It only takes one to change the game.
HELENIO HERRERA You don’t need to know who he is.
HOOLIGANS Sophisticated: They’re usually middle-class professionals. Ultra-sophisticated: Blame Margaret Thatcher. Everyone else: Publicly deplore them, then turn to YouTube in secret.
MARADONA Better than Pele. See PELE.
METATARSAL A part of the body that was discovered shortly before the 2006 World Cup. A mark of weakness: “They didn’t have those when I was playing.”
PENALTY SHOOTOUT A lottery. Note that you can’t practice for them. England will lose through one in the quarterfinals.
PELE Better than Maradona. See MARADONA.
REAL MADRID Their two unforgivable crimes are fascism and galacticos.
OFFSIDE RULE Women never understand it. When confused, state angrily that the attacking player should have received the benefit of the doubt.
RINUS MICHELS Said “football is war.”
TACTICS See FORMATIONS
TOTAL FOOTBALL Mention when any Dutch side scores three goals. Always a “breathtaking display.”
TRANSFER RUMORS A sign of the decline of modern football. Spread them at all costs.
Read More: Phrasenschwein Project, The Movement
by Brian Phillips · July 23, 2008
The Simplest Game Community
Also, for anyone who’s wondering about the smart little character serving as the project’s combined mascot and codename, he’s known as the DSF Phrasenschwein and was nominated for his position by ursus arctos.
He belongs to a show called “Doppelpass” on German sports television, during the course of which anyone who uses a standard football cliche has to put one Euro through the slot on the back of his head. We’re going to owe him a small fortune before long.
TACTICS See FORMATIONS – nice.
The yearning COME-AND-GET-ME PLEA deserves a place. (Isn’t it curious how this is often “issued”, like a marriage proposal being made on Form JDM82-d?)
A ten-yard square pass by a Brazilian player is a demonstration of SAMBA FOOTBALL, almost certainly learned on Copacabana regardless of where in Brazil the player in question comes from.
A free kick for a HIGH FOOT wouldn’t be given in the Premier League.
And it should be noted that FIERY can also stand for “southern European”.
SIMULATION: Whenever any Italian or South American (usually of the long-haired variety) falls to the ground.
Good examples. I can see how this is an ambitious project, though. That being said, they said the same of Wikipedia. A few others to consider:
CYNICAL FOUL Hard, mistimed tackles, far from getting ball. The phrase would be abused to no end if English announcers covered MLS games.
TECHNICAL Just as many moves on the pitch performed by Brazilians induce the word SAMBA (see Fredorrarci’s example), many performed by Germans elicit descriptors such as this. ORGANIZED and PRECISE are others.
SPECULATIVE BALL Noteworthy in that few other sports feature 4-syllable words describing aspects of their games that amount to so little.
“Asked a question” to describe a play (pass, shot or other sequence) that pressures a team’s defense. Used by Phil Shayne (how do you spell his name) and Ray Hudson a lot as well as the announcers during Euro ’08.
Of course you have the whole “pitch” vs. “field”, “kit” vs. “uniform”, “boot” vs. “shoe”, “keeper” vs. “goalie” that drive “aficianados” crazy.
How about “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling Each Other Out — What announcers say if nothing happens in the first five minutes of a match.
NAIVE (archaic?) Describes an African team which has just conceded a goal.
I’ve been struggling with “naive,” actually. It’s clearly outmoded and probably even commentators who see no problem with the racial implications of the samba/technical adjective filtration system would feel a little uncomfortable using it. At the same time, it’s so obviously on the tips of their tongues. Every 4-3 game during the Cup of Nations was like a life-or-death struggle to think up inoffensive synonyms. You’d think a word meaning “childlike innocence” would be able to avoid overtones of paranoia and bigotry, but welcome to football in the 21st century.
Thanks for the fantastic suggestions, everyone. Keep them coming! I love it when the power of online communities can be harnessed to do all my work for me.
Naive is sometimes used to describe a younger side that isn’t expected to win. The opposite of “Experienced.” For example: The naive Spanish squad won’t be able to match the experienced Germans.
it’s also used to describe Arsenal, and when talking about Arsenal in Carling Cup, talk up “Arsene Wenger’s Youngsters.” Even though 20 year old Fabregas started the BPL games and “Rugged Veteran” Gilberto was featured in the league cup games.
When a “Naive” side defeats an “Experienced” side it’s because the Youngster’s boast superior “Flair.” “Flair” is “Samba” for non-Brazilians.
WET NOVEMBER NIGHT AWAY TO SCUNTHORPE, A A thought experiment devised to speculate on the virility of a given footballer, especially if said player is of non-British nationality: He may have scored 53 goals last season in La Liga, there may be an exhibition in his homeland’s national gallery devoted to his passing ability, and his game may bear an astonishing resemblance to that of some kind of footballing demi-god – but I wouldn’t fancy his chances on a wet November night away to Scunthorpe. SEE ALSO: SIXTEEN-STONE CENTRE-HALF, IN MY DAY…
NO NONSENSE DEFENDER – used to describe the HEART ON THEIR SLEEVE english types like Carragher and Terry. This is something to be wholeheartedly praised, quite ignoring the fact that in order to be making that LAST DITCH TACKLE in the first place, the defender would have to have been hopelessly out of position or outpaced by the attacker. Give me a defender that can actually read the game and anticipate danger without the need to scramble desperately to clear it any day.
LURK WITH INTENT: How over-the-hill poachers (ronaldo, pipo) position themselves around the penalty area.
George Best – Better than Maradona or Pele or at least more Fiery.
DEEP LYING PLAYMAKER/TREQUARTISTA/ENGANCHE/SECOND STRIKER: No one agrees, do they all describe the same position or 4 separate roles altogether. No one knows, but it always leads to very lively debates.
Deep lying playmaker is different to the other three, which are all the same…lol.
NEW MARADONA: young, short, Argentine, can dribble.