I guess Brian couldn’t handle the idea of me at the head of a revolutionary army, because I woke up this morning to find a terse email inviting me back to the site. I’m going to cover MLS, finally living up to that old adage, “See the country, cover MLS.” Apparently “[I] can pay for [my] own [damn] insurance, [friend]” but the site’s picking up my travel costs. Thank you, corporate paymasters in the bodybuilding supplements industry.
So…MLS news. This morning, the world is shocked—shocked!—that peaceful feelings did not issue from yesterday’s meeting of Columbus Crew fans and the West Ham United traveling support. Here’s a quick glossary of terms pertinent to the brawl.
The ICF, or “Inter-City Firm” is a famous semi-lapsed West Ham hooligan group who have totally convinced themselves and the world of their manhood by getting in fights with people who like different soccer teams. For instance, by invading the Columbus Crew’s supporter section at halftime and just silencing all doubts about their biological maleness.
The Columbus Crew, or “Crew” is an MLS team a subset of whose fans have taken to coping with the pressures of life in modern-day central Ohio by throwing bottles and racial epithets at opposing players, then going home and dropping online truth-bombs like this one, which I just found on EPL Talk:
I’m 19 and live in Columbus, we will fight any firm in the world. Even when out-numbered in our own stadium. I was involved in the incident, which is completely West Hams fault (8-12 IFC stood directly behind the Crew section, when immediately asked to leave by security they threw up their fists like they wanted to fight. 3/4 of the Crew section emptied to the NE side of the stadium. The remaining 1000+ IFC left their section and met us by the concession, when the first punch was thrown by a CREW FIRM MEMBER mace was used and stopped any progress for a brawl.) It’s how we do things in COLUMBUS, try not to sleep on us, or we will be your worst nightmare…on and off the pitch. Also, I apologize to those who don’t understand the passion involved in this situation. We will NEVER allow someone (especially Britts) to come to our stadium and push us around, sorry…..Please don’t forget 1776, history tends to repeat itself, British getting destroyed.
So the Crew Reserves lost to West Ham 1-3 while 100 Crew fans and 30 ICF-wannabe American West Ham fans (sorry, boy from the comment above, I mean “1000+” “IFC” members—12 feet tall if they were an inch, they were) dusted it up in the stands and on the concourse for just long enough to feel a swell of heterosexual certainty when they told the story to their younger male relatives over Playstation and exaggerated swigs of miserable bottom-shelf vodka because THAT’S HOW WE DO THINGS IN COLUMBUS.
Anyway, don’t worry about me. If this trip has taught me anything, it’s that I may be softer than John Cusak in the vernal equinox of softness that was 1989, but I can handle myself in a shovel fight.
Read More: Columbus Crew, MLS, Swooning for Hooligans, West Ham
by Vandal-prone · July 21, 2008
Welcome back, Vandal! You have been sorely missed!
This should be good. With VP’s experience covering the CL final in Moscow and his first-hand account of the rivalry in Glasgow, it will be interesting to hear his take on MLS. As his report from Columbus seems to suggest, our footballing attitudes are becoming more European. I’d be curious to hear if he agrees.
Is there any truth to the scuttlebutt you hear about the Millwall firm organizing a little field trip to Toronto this week? Rumor has it that they could be joining forces with those badass Buckeyes. As far as I know, there’s been no mention of Elijah Wood’s involvement in any of this. Does anyone know different?
Did you make that EPL Talk quote up, Veep, or is it genuine? It’s hilarious either way. Those DAMN Britts!
I only wish he’d made it up, but it’s real.
King George had better not show his face in Columbus.
Steve, apparently the Harley Street Hooligans contingent actually did hold up an anti-West Ham banner reading “Where’s Elijah Wood?” Which looks pretty ingeniously self-undermining when you consider that THE HARLEY STREET HOOLIGANS ARE NAMED AFTER AN ELIJAH WOOD MOVIE.
West Ham and the Firm w/ no mention of Yeti v. Bexy?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095158/
Good city motto: “COLUMBUS: try not to sleep on us.”
Yeah, I thought of that one last weekend when I was watching the new Batman movie and couldn’t quite understand why Commissioner Gordon was so shy and diffident. Come on, Bex! I thought you loved the buzz!
As for the Columbus motto…my alternate choice would be “COLUMBUS: Fighting the American Revolution since we were chartered as a city in 1834.” But I think yours is punchier.
From a comment further down on that EPL Talk page:
“you do not like streamers or crew? go watch usl or pdl you woos!”
…so we woz cornered. Four of us and four facking faaasand of them. “No surrender to the MLS,” they woz singin’. “We do not like Crew,” one of ’em shouted in my face, the stink of ‘is breff a mixture of jellied eels and Ribena. Those West Ham poofs probably would have run away if they were in our position, but we’re CREW FIRM, and you don’t facking sleep on CREW. So we pull out the streamers – the biggest cants of streamers you evah did facking see. We rained those bleeders on those ICF wankers, we did. “Fack off back to England, you facking woos,” we were screamin’. You should’ve seen ’em – you never saw such a banch of cants so mildly inconvenienced in all your facking life. Only then did we run away…
I’m listening to the Pulp album His ‘N’ Hers this very moment and the first track, ‘Joyriders’, could be an anthem for these lads:
…We like women – ‘up the women’, we say
And if we get lucky, yeah we might even meet some one day…