England 2 – 0 USA: Shut Up and Tread on Me

Wait…what? Where am I? How long has the match been over? I watched the whole thing…I think; I know I turned it on in time for the national anthems at Wembley; only just now I sort of came back to myself and noticed that the TV was showing a commercial for discount mufflers. How long have I been sitting here? The last thing I remember was watching DaMarcus Beasley loft a 35-yard free kick meekly into the center of a two-man wall, and then…wait…did I just watch a documentary about Alexander Hamilton’s wife? It’s like two hours of my life have been stolen and I don’t know how or why. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be more angry or sad. Let’s forget this happened, and if you have a good explanation, break it to me gently in the comments.

I guess this means I can’t use all the material I’d worked up about early American history. I had a whole bit about the American Revolution angle that got shoehorned into every match preview. I was going to say that in the end it was more like the War of 1812…no one knew what it was about, and it kept going long after it was over. Trust me, you would have loved it. I’ll have to keep it in the cooler for a time when I’m not confused and possibly suffering from the aftereffects of unintentional hypnotism. Whenever in the course of human events that might happen.