An Exclusive Interview with Newcastle Owner Mike Ashley

This week’s Run of Play at Pitch Invasion feature is—you might want to sit down for this—an exclusive interview with Newcastle owner Mike Ashley about his decision to sack Sam Allardyce. Ashley is notoriously reclusive and suspicious of the press, but I don’t know, I guess he decided I was different, probably when he heard me do my Ewok impression outside this one pub in Ledbury. Anyway, we had a good talk.

BRIAN: You finished thirteenth last year. You realize that, right? That you finished thirteenth last year? I know you don’t get out much. They have football tables in your hidden underground zebra-striped space cockpit, right?

NEWCASTLE OWNER MIKE ASHLEY: I know where we—

BRIAN: And the year before that you were seventh, and the year the before that you were fourteenth. These are not good numbers, dude. This is not a winning lottery ticket. The popcorn popper that churns ping-pong balls does not think you have won today’s powerball jackpot. We’re sorry, you bought Newcastle United. Please try again next week.

Read the full interview here, and poke around Pitch Invasion while you’re at it.