A Line Under Sunday, November 11

Birmingham 1 – 2 Aston Villa — In more sad news for Birmingham, Carson Yeung was soundly beaten by Randy Lerner in an impromptu Chinese vocabulary quiz in the Balti pie queue at halftime.

Bolton 0 – 0 Middlesbrough — There’s going to come a time when drawing every game stops seeming inspirational from Bolton and starts to look a little insipid. I’d like to give you the exact date, but the Gary Megson Index lives in each of us.

Chelsea 1 – 1 Everton — The power of Avram Grant’s charisma has now reached the point where it’s inspiring the other team to play entertaining football. That Tim Cahill scissor kick was like the chorus-line equivalent of friendly fire.

Manchester United 2 – 0 Blackburn — The whole time I was watching this match I was suspicious that it was actually a computer simulation. It was like the programmers read a preview that said Blackburn had a scrappy defense but Man Utd would be too much for them in the end. When Ronaldo scored his second goal it felt like God showing off the inevitable.

Portsmouth 0 – 0 Manchester City — Harry Redknapp for England! I’m serious. But then I don’t care all that much about England.

Derby 0 – 5 West Ham — Some people would look at this match as a sign that Derby are terrible. Some people would look at it as a sign that West Ham are one of the Premier League’s strongest teams. Most people, however, would look at it as a sign that Derby are terrible.

Tottenham 4 – 0 Wigan — I grew up in a wide, flat place where nearly every building was only one story high. I remember the first time I looked out a fifth-floor window I thought I was on top of the sky. “Dad,” I exclaimed, “the people look like ants!” In football news today, Tottenham Hotspur have climbed to 14th place in the table of the Barclays Premier League.

Liverpool 2 – 0 Fulham — Fulham looked great in this game, and Liverpool got a thrilling late goal from Torres and made it 10-0 in their last two matches. You could say it was a win-win, were it not for the fact that Fulham obviously didn’t.

Sunderland 1 – 1 Newcastle — What an atmosphere! There were only a handful of people in the stadium who didn’t seem up for this game. They were easy to spot when the cameras flashed over to them, because they were running up and down the pitch dressed in Newcastle kits.