A Line Under Sunday, November 4

Arsenal 2 – 2 Manchester United — There ought to be a term in football to describe what happens when a player scores for both teams in a match. Can we call it “completing the Gallas”? Or are there already too many things that phrase could mean?

Fulham 3 – 1 Reading — Apparently this match saw a fox run out onto the pitch and away by the corner flag. 596 miles away, Dida inexplicably collapsed, writhing and clutching his ankle.

Blackburn 0 – 0 Liverpool — I want to like him, I really do, but do you start to get the feeling that letting Rafa Benitez fool around with tactics is like letting Mickey Mouse fool around with broomsticks?

Middlesbrough 1 – 1 Tottenham — At this rate, the first faint glimmerings of a “Juande Vamos” headline are going to start breaking through the clouds in some poor Sun editor’s mind a lot sooner than anyone thinks.

Everton 3 – 1 Birmingham — Everton showed their character by scoring two goals in injury time. It’s not clear what they were showing for the previous 70 minutes.

Newcastle 1 – 4 Portsmouth — They have the best fans in football, Newcastle. They just don’t happen to be the fans who go to the games.

Wigan 0 – 2 Chelsea — Chelsea’s away kits are causing retinal damage in children under 10. Wigan’s play lately is causing retinal damage in everyone.

Aston Villa 2 – 0 Derby — You know how you’ve always found it impossible to understand how your girlfriend could look at a football game and a see a meaningless waste of time? Derby County…playing football the way girlfriends have been seeing it since 1863.

West Ham 1 – 1 Bolton — And the Gary Megson era sees its first equivocal and vaguely deflating triumph.